Life has lately felt much like the song, ‘your drums you love’ by Alunageorge. Because it feels like I’ve been treading water just to get back someone’s love or to where I was and whether or not I sink or swim, it’s always you I’m thinking of. But maybe I’m just having one of those emotional, vulnerable moments because feelings always get in the way. But life just hasn’t been the same without you in it. All I want to do is tell you how much I miss you. But I can’t, I won’t, there’s no point as it won’t change a thing. It will just seem sad, pathetic, and desperate. This is just another one of those moments where the pen is not mightier than the sword. Where you don’t pass go and don’t collect 200 dollars. But, I miss it all. Your voice, your laugh, your touch, your warmth, our banter, our chemistry, our synchronicity, our rapport, our sameness, our symmetry. But most importantly you.I was the happiest when I was with you but I’ve probably lost you forever and there is no getting back to you.
This is a month and a half old draft that I guess I am now publishing?
Being alone is hard. It’s also hard work. Especially in a world that was designed for two. Wether it’s a lover, or a best friend. But alas, I have neither and you cannot grocery shop for one person. Do you know how hard that is? I always end up with more food than I can eat myself that always ends up going bad before I even get a chance to finish it. There are no single serving portions or meals. This is what has me believing that life is designed for two. Going out to eat is another story. No parties of one, because one is not a party. Life is meant to be enjoyed in twos. It’s meant for couples. You cannot even go out to eat by yourself. Want an appetizer? Good luck on enjoying your dinner if you’re eating alone. Appetizers are meant for more than person and my problem is I always want an appetizer but I can’t get one because I can’t justify spending $8 for one person let alone the fact that it will pretty much ruin my dinner as I will be full before it even arrives. Ask yourself this, how often do you go to a restaurant and see someone eating alone? I want that person to fill my appetizer eating gap. In addition, there’s things like groupon which is meant for groups of people, specifically couples. There’s another nugget of fact proving that life isn’t single serving. I mean, where’s the singpon for single loners such as myself?
I went out tonight with my cousin and her friends and it just made me hate the whole dating and single scene even more. Courting is or has become a strange thing. Or at least the whole club and single scene is. People stalking their prey on the dance floor, waiting to make their next move. Salivating like the horny mammals we are, hoping to dance, grind, and sweat on the next piece of meat that tickles our fancy. But regardless, it’s not that I am or in the process of courting or anything, it’s just a weird thing in general it seems now. The going back and forth. I would easily give up it all up, any time of the day for something stable. Where we could both be content doing whatever which is where I previously was. I don’t want to play this dating game, I don’t want to start over again with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you, but it seems I can’t have you. You still occupy that corner of my mind and I miss you, but do you miss me? Wait, don’t answer that question, I’m far too scared to know the truth. You probably won’t admit it or am too afraid to say so or maybe your new best friend has made you forget all about me or put ideas in your head and words in your ear having you think you are better off. Conspiracy theory 101 is in session and I’m taking students, or maybe this is just a lesson in pessimism. I swear I’m never like this.
Social lives are hard.