Adult Friendships Are Hard.

Making new friends or even maintaining current friendships and relationships as an adult are hard and often difficult. As we get older it seems even more drastically difficult to meet new people and connect whereas when you were a kid you could be best friends with anyone over anything. “Oh you like root-beer floats? me too!” ” Did we just become best friends!?” Nowadays everyone above 25 already has their set clique of tight-knit friends and circles that they frequent and stick to. Not only this, but everyone past the age of 25 is either married with kids and has their family and career to worry about which obviously should take precedents over friends or has moved away out of state or something else. So essentially, you pretty much fall into one of two categories. You’re either single, or you’re married. And if you’re over 30, faaaaghedaboudit! If you’re over 30, you’re that hopeless bachelor or bachelorette who is scrambling to find someone that is willing to have anyone that will take you as you feel the timer on your internal-self clock countdown to zero.

But alas, it can be frustrating at times as an adult, especially for someone such as myself who is always trying to meet new people, and make new friends, and find those like minded individuals. The struggle with doing so is where does one go to meet new people and make new friends? The library? The mall? The bar? I think the most popular place that comes to anyone’s mind for socializing would be the bar. Unfortunately, sometimes that’s not always the greatest place to meet people as you may not meet the greatest of people at a bar. That’s not to say it’s not possible, but you won’t always find the ideal kind of person, especially if you’re going late at night during weekdays. Those are typically the, “barflies.” Your best opportunity at a bar is the weekends, Friday or Saturday night ideally. Nevertheless, the bar is not always the ideal place to meet new people as an adult, which thus begs the question, “where is everyone hiding?” Where are your new potential friends hanging out at? Well unfortunately for you, they’re most likely too busy spending time with their significant other, if they’re in a relationship, or unknown. There’s an unknown variable in this equation and for me right now, I’m more than likely just too tired to use my remaining brain power computing this. 

Regardless, it’s not as easy for adults because things just are not the same as they were when we were in school. Attending school gave us access to this hub, this centralized social environment where you could encounter anywhere from three to five hundred students a day, and all in one location have you!  Your options of making new friends were nearly limitless. But not only that, life was easier, as kids, none of us had to worry about a job, money, raising a family, etc. We were carefree and we all had to worry about was homework and not failing our classes so it was easier for us then to maintain a social life. Fast-forward a couple of years and being graduated, school is out of the equation. You’re now tossed out into the cruel landscape of the world where it’s survival of the fittest. And for these past years you’ve either sank or swam and have kept the same steady stream of friends or have managed to lose them all somehow. 

The other dilemma that is people aren’t as receptive or open to meeting new people nowadays, if you’re a stranger and come up to some random group, you can’t just approach them and be like “hey guys, want to be my friend?” although at times I simply wish it were that easy. Those people will look at you as if you’re a weirdo, “who is this guy,” “what does he want” type of mentality. So many people nowadays are skeptical of anyone new who tries to enter their circle of friends. So with that said, Adult friendships are hard.

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Future Shock

I feel like crying. We’re at the 6 month mark of 2017. Where in the fuck has this year gone? Absolutely nowhere. Time is now flying by at breakneck speed and I want it to stop. I am scared. Scared for my life. Scared for my future. But seriously, if this isn’t future shock, then I don’t know what is.

Disappointment City.

There’s so much I’ve wanted to write, so much I’ve wanted get off my chest and address, but there’s only so much time in the day that I can devote to this and it’s clearly not enough especially as of lately and even currently I shouldn’t be writing this as I should be spending my time elsewhere. But as of lately, I don’t think I’ve ever disappointed myself as much as I have in my life until this past Spring semester at school. For the first time and semester since I started nearly two plus years ago, I have been forced to withdrawal from a course and am also on track to failing a course. Never have I done this badly during my college career. I have constantly been a 3.5 – 4.0 GPA student and for some reason this semester I have been knocked back, knocked loose from my roots and as I have been feeling uprooted and no longer grounded. I just feel like I have lost all will or motivation and I need to get it back but I don’t know how. I don’t think a semester break would do me any good. I feel if I took off for a semester it would not only be waste, but a bad idea because it would be counter-productive as I would be a semester behind from finishing as well as I may not return back from that break putting an end to my college career. So that wouldn’t help as all I want to do is just hurry up, finish, and get this all over with and never look back and say, “Hey! I’m done, I graduated, I got my shiny fucking special piece of paper, now give me a stable and steady career.” But the fact is, that won’t happen, and I don’t know why I’m still attending. I mean, I want to, I want to see this through, to the end and finish what I started because this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Not being able to finish what I start. But I can’t help but feel that some of the reasons I am still attending is because I was somehow pushed into this whole idea of entering college because I was tired of having my father and family on my back about going back to school so this was to get them off my case and appease him/them? Which is somewhat typical to most kids as parents love to try to tell their kids how to live their lives. Yes, I know parents care, and want what’s best for their children, but did any one ever think that college isn’t always the answer? At least not for every child, I don’t know, I don’t feel like I fit in there or as if the college life has ever been the life for me. But regardless, one of the other reasons why I started attending college was because I felt a bit threatened, insufficient, or inadequate to my at the time to my former girlfriend who was soon to be graduating with a bachelors at the cusp of starting her career while I was just starting college? working some shitty job, leaving me with the thought, that I’m somehow imposing on her to be the breadwinner? That I couldn’t pull my own weight. I don’t know, I suppose that’s just my typical male rationale, caring about my pride as to how it would look to others to see a woman making more than her husband. But to be honest, in my heart, that didn’t and still doesn’t matter to me. I don’t mind that. I believe in equality. I would be, and am proud of that, to have had a woman who made more than me and was successful and I could only hope that any man that had a woman like that would be proud and wish to have one at his side. But I still couldn’t help but feel inadequate in a sense as like maybe I am not contributing enough, so maybe it’s just my insecurity. But maybe it was also her parents, specifically her mother. I couldn’t help but feel judged, and had some odd feeling like she didn’t like the feeling of her daughter being potentially whisked away to some loser with no college credentials that couldn’t bring home the bacon. I mean, her mother was very old fashioned and it often felt like that way to me. I’m sure she’s more than thrilled that we’re no longer together. Sigh. But then again this could all lead back to caring what other’s thought about me. But as of this past year, with all of the shit that has happened and lead me to this point in time, that after being insecure and caring for so long about what others thought about me, whether they did or not or if I was just being paranoid and stuck in my head,  I no longer care about people’s opinions and what they may think of me. As previously I couldn’t help but feel so paralyzed with the fear of what other’s thought. But all of this has me thinking, is there anything in this for me that I am continuing this seemingly never-ending college stint? and the answer I think that any stranger, parent, friend, or individual would give is: yes! a degree you fool! Well, of course, way to state the obvious, as if I already didn’t know that. But what good is a degree to me if I still don’t even know this far in to my college career what I am going to major in? This whole time I’ve figured I would major in something generic like business or communication just so I have a bachelors as you could essentially get a job almost anywhere as long as you have some sort of bachelors degree. Because nowadays these pieces of paper with a stamp with an accredited school have been given weight and meaning that “you must know stuff.” So this piece of paper proves that and we will give you a career. What ever happened to hard work, and knowing stuff from experience. I mean just because you have a degree doesn’t always necessarily mean the individual who possesses has the knowledge or knows what’s required to do their job. Experience will always trump knowledge because if you don’t know how to apply that knowledge into real world situations which requires experience then that knowledge will do you jack-diddly squat. Maybe I have become apathetic and see no point anymore in continuing, as I have considered dropping out multiple times, but never as much have I thought about it until this most recent semester, regardless of being self-aware of the fact how self-destructive and stupid of a decision it would be given how much time I’ve put in and how somewhat close I am to obtaining a degree. But the truth is I’ve just always felt that school isn’t for me and figured that maybe I would’ve found my niche in the world by now or have decided on what I want to do due to the fact of attending college but I haven’t. If anything, these past couple of years have just further affirmed my personal ideology that I wish to work for no one and want to work for myself. Be my own boss, work on my own hours and run/have a successful business. What that business is, I don’t know, but what I do know is that this punch-a-clock, 9-5, Monday through Friday, working for the man while building someone else’s dream and business has never been my thing. I want employees under me, working for me, building my dream, building my business and I pray to fucking God, Buddha, Allah, Aliens, whoever reveals them self first to me that I figure this shit out real soon. I just don’t think I’ve gained any more knowledge than from when I started. I still feel stupid and I can not help but to constantly recall the lyrics of Kanye West’s song “Good Morning,” with the line saying, “Some people graduate, but we still stupid.I don’t know why, but these lyrics have always resonated in my head when I think of college. And as much as all of this pains me to do, and all I feel is this feeling of self-loathing and self-deprecating hatred towards myself for letting and allowing myself to get to this low point. All I know is, I feel like I’m currently on a downward spiral, and maybe I should just listen to Nine Inch Nails’ A Downward Spiral album on repeat. This post has become much larger than I imagined, but maybe this was good in a way because it has allowed me to vent to get so much weight off of my mind by letting this all out, the only way I know how; through writing since having no one to tell or talk to.