I love you, but…

I think it’s time we finally go our separate ways and that I finally let go. Let’s quit pretending that this is what you wanted, to remain friends, because at this point, it doesn’t even feel like we’re even that. We just don’t talk like we should and it makes me sad. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to think about, let alone do and it’s probably something we should’ve done from the start because all it’s done was extend the hurt and prolong the healing. There’s so much to say as I have pages worth of writings, but I’ll try to leave this short and condense this the best I can.

Love is difficult, and at times, the heart wants what it wants, but it’s strange that after the expiration date has passed on a relationship, we still find ourselves hanging on for dear life to some sort of feeling even when the other person has been long gone out of the picture. It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you’ve had your time in the sun, and that you blew it. You blew your chance, it came and went, all of it was inevitable and you’re only left with a pocket full of sorrows and bitterness. And just when you think it’s safe to let your guard down, when you think you’re better and have forgotten about those feelings by living in an ignorant bliss by pretending that you’re okay but you’re really not, your true feelings find a chink in what you thought was your impenetrable armor where to inevitably seep through and come to surface and just like that, instantaneously, you’re back at square one being hit with a wall of emotion and like humpty-dumpty, you come tumbling down the wall, emotions and all, only to be an emotional wreck that needs to be put back together. Often we are not aware of how frail and fragile we truly are and at times and how easy it is for us to be shattered like glass as it’s crazy the amount of control and power we can give others to affect our lives and emotions.

2016 was a year of losing for me and I had lost a lot of things. The love of my life and soulmate, my job, my favorite grandma who was the last and closest link to my mother whom I both dearly miss. These on past two years have been difficult for me. Especially when I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. But for the past year and some change, I’ve been secretly a mess, trying to hold and keep myself together, telling myself that I’m fine, battling depression on and off, and having felt like a wreck and I’ve hated myself the whole time for everything that’s happened. How did I let it get to this? Why couldn’t I have done something? Why didn’t I? Why? The questions would plague me and haunt me at night. There have been a lot of dark, morose, and brooding nights where I would just sit, sulk, and cry.

At times, I feel like the five plus years we spent, meant and were nothing. Nothing but a waste, a waste of time and effort and as much as it hurts for me to say that, as I wish not to say such hurtful things, it just feels like it was for how things have now turned out present day. Even though I still want to cherish our memories and what we had, it fucking hurts sometimes. But in all honesty, it wasn’t a waste of time for me, that’s just the bitterness and resentment talking, but, it was a waste in the sense that it was a waste of time to only to give up and end things rather than put in the work and additional time to workout our issues given the substantial amount of time already invested into the relationship. I just honestly never thought you’d be the one to break my heart. It’s just difficult to have been with that one person for so long and for them to essentially walk away and become a stranger and it’s sad because it just shows that everything in life is cyclical, i.e.

Stranger > Acquaintance > Friend > Best Friend > Lover > Best Friend > Friend > Stranger

Give or take some steps might be skipped. But it’s come to and ended up as I always feared, because we never talk and although it feels like the stranger stage, I don’t think it ever could truly because of how our rapport was.

I just can’t help but feel that in someway, there may have been external or outside influences in your final decision. So I will say this, never let anyone’s opinion dissuade nor persuade you from doing what YOU want to do. It’s your life, your decision, it doesn’t hurt to ask for advice, but only act on it if it’s what you truly feel. Don’t let friends or family make your decisions for you. And by all means don’t get back with that person because you feel bad about events in their life, because no one wouldn’t want that person back sorely out of pity and for the wrong reasons. Get back with them because you want to, because you miss them, because most importantly YOU LOVE THEM. But you have to live your own life and not let others live it for you. It’s just difficult thinking that someone who you thought would be forever turns out to only be temporary and the fact when it appears that person doesn’t want you to be apart of their life anymore is what truly hurts the most. I’ve learned that amongst the basic desires of every human I feel it’s important for one to feel desired and appreciated. Everyone just wants to be and feel loved, needed, wanted, and appreciated. At times I often feel like I’d try to say the right thing but it would come out the wrong way. I’m just someone who tries to have the best of intentions, but often puts his foot in his mouth and is misunderstood.

When love works, it feels like heaven, but when it hurts, it hurts like hell. I mean, look at me? My pathetic ass still hasn’t gotten over this shit and it was a year and some change ago. Life can often be an unrelenting, cold, heartless, lonely bitch. But I know it doesn’t have to be that way. Even though at this point, I feel like I’m damaged goods at best and I need to take some sort of spiritual journey or trip to heal my damaged soul. But if for some strange reason, you’re reading this. I want you to know that I still, care and will always love you, but I think it’s time for me to let go and quit fooling myself into thinking that something is going to happen, and that this is going to be the happy Disney ending that we deserve where things magically work out. No one is perfect, and no relationship ever is.

Whenever I would see a new photo of you, it would tear me up, and that was THE MISTAKE I think we both made was by not removing each other from social media and continuing to see each other’s posts, because we secretly both knew that in someway we were censoring ourselves for each other and would think about how each other would feel before posting. It’s difficult because when you remain “friends,” you feel crippled in a sense. I was destroyed, I felt like I had lost my sense of self and who I was. I felt like I was no longer able to relate to others, and I was scared with the fear of being afraid to post something let alone anything and not be found funny or interesting anymore by that person that was once fond of or into me. You become afraid to post anything because you think and feel that person may feel like, “what did I ever see or like in this person?” “I thought they were funny but they’re not,” and it makes you feel like you had lost what made you funny or appealing to that person and your scared to because you afraid of not being funny to them anymore for that matter but just flat out being annoying. The thing is I cared too much of what others thought about me.

It’s been hard, it really has been, not having anyone to talk with, share things with, tell them about the funny or interesting things about my day. It makes me feel like even more of a loser because I didn’t want to share these things with anyone else but you, but I feel even more lost because you just seem so fine and so un-phased by everything. And I know it’s difficult not to think of the negatives and look back on them as all it takes is one negative to erase, soil, and eclipse all the good and potentially ruin something forever and it shouldn’t be that way, it’s just not fair. Because there’s always that one person in your life that is the one that got away. And you were it. No matter how much you may not want to hear that, you’re the one person who’s dug that hole and has gotten under my skin and will never go away. I still think about you from time to time and when the lights go off at night. Even when it gets dark and I’m alone with my thoughts. You were so beautiful inside and out, deep down to your soul, the truth of the matter is, I may never love anyone else as much as I love(d) you.

Everyone takes his or her own time to heal, and to get over things, and this has been nothing short of longer than I had ever imagined or anticipated it would take. I feel as if I’ve been fucked up longer than I can remember now, longer than I was normal, as in my mind it had felt like all of this had just happened and it was still fresh as if no time had elapsed, but I think time has finally caught up to me. It’s crazy to think it will be almost two years in just a couple of more months, but after all of this time if you had wanted to have gotten back together I can only imagine it would’ve happened by now. You fucked me up, and I’ve felt nothing but inadequate since you’ve left. You absolutely destroyed me, I lost my self-confidence and have felt broken, lost, insecure, and powerless. The thing is, it’s so empowering to break up with someone as there’s so much power, strength, and confidence in being the person who’s initiating the breakup, but it’s so destructive for the person on the receiving end and that in itself is a strange dynamic.

In a way, the healing process, or attempt at healing can be compared to physical therapy. You have to forget co-dependency, in-fact it’s important to never be fully co-dependent, but to remain independent. Essentially you have to rebuild yourself, reprogram, and relearn everything by trying to go back to old habits and how you were before the relationship when you were independent. The thing is you can’t place your happiness in that one thing because when that one thing disappears or dissolves, all you happiness goes with it. So it’s important to find happiness in yourself. But there’s nothing more empowering than taking back control of your own life and not allowing yourself to hurt anymore. To be free from care, worry, and insecurity. I’ve been in a rut these past two years and I think it’s finally my time to let you go, something I probably should’ve done a long time ago since you most likely already have. But for me, something you and I both know, letting go of things has always been my problem, and I’m hoping this will help bring me one step closer to healing myself.

What we had was special, it was kismet when we met, I didn’t know it then, but I do know, and I know for fact, we won’t have that with anyone else, not even in a million years and for that I’ll always love you. But no one’s going to love you like I do. Deep down inside there will always be that part of me that will always love you. I was ready to spend my life with you. Ready, willing, and wanting to go the distance. I was all in and going to do whatever it took, but moving on without you is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I always appreciated you, and I know you felt unappreciated somedays and I’m sorry for that, I never meant for it. But in the end, I’m thankful for the time I spent with you. Until I had met you, I didn’t know that I was missing anything in my life and you had opened up my eyes and showed me how wrong I was. You showed me things I never knew were there and made timeless memories and I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant getting to spend another day with you. Never in my life have I cared for or loved anyone as much as I have you. I love you more than you’ll ever know, ‘till the wheels fall off. But the fact is I care entirely too much, and it’s based solely on that fact that it’s just a matter of time until I see a photo of you with someone else and I just don’t think my heart could bear it which is why I think it’s time to say goodbye and cut all ties.

It’s just difficult not to feel remorseful because knowing deep down I could’ve changed things and there was something I could’ve done different to have changed this outcome as feel as if this wasn’t supposed to happen. Like somewhere out there, in a parallel universe, things worked out and my parallel-self is still happy. I just wish you hadn’t of bottled up your feelings like you did and we had talked it through. But in the strange, off chance, that you may be reading this, just know. I still think about you from time to time, and wonder if you think of me too. I will never forget about you. You’ve left your mark on me, what we shared and had was so rare and even though it tears me up after all of this, some of my most memorable, happiest, funnest, funniest and favorite waking moments of my life were spent with you. So I guess since seeing there’s no longer a future for us as things didn’t work out the way I imagined or thought they would, it’s finally time for me to let go, to rip the band aid off and do something I should’ve done a long time ago.

Love Forever & Always, Until We Meet Again in Another Life

Garrett Curtis Goerl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Disappointment City.

There’s so much I’ve wanted to write, so much I’ve wanted get off my chest and address, but there’s only so much time in the day that I can devote to this and it’s clearly not enough especially as of lately and even currently I shouldn’t be writing this as I should be spending my time elsewhere. But as of lately, I don’t think I’ve ever disappointed myself as much as I have in my life until this past Spring semester at school. For the first time and semester since I started nearly two plus years ago, I have been forced to withdrawal from a course and am also on track to failing a course. Never have I done this badly during my college career. I have constantly been a 3.5 – 4.0 GPA student and for some reason this semester I have been knocked back, knocked loose from my roots and as I have been feeling uprooted and no longer grounded. I just feel like I have lost all will or motivation and I need to get it back but I don’t know how. I don’t think a semester break would do me any good. I feel if I took off for a semester it would not only be waste, but a bad idea because it would be counter-productive as I would be a semester behind from finishing as well as I may not return back from that break putting an end to my college career. So that wouldn’t help as all I want to do is just hurry up, finish, and get this all over with and never look back and say, “Hey! I’m done, I graduated, I got my shiny fucking special piece of paper, now give me a stable and steady career.” But the fact is, that won’t happen, and I don’t know why I’m still attending. I mean, I want to, I want to see this through, to the end and finish what I started because this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Not being able to finish what I start. But I can’t help but feel that some of the reasons I am still attending is because I was somehow pushed into this whole idea of entering college because I was tired of having my father and family on my back about going back to school so this was to get them off my case and appease him/them? Which is somewhat typical to most kids as parents love to try to tell their kids how to live their lives. Yes, I know parents care, and want what’s best for their children, but did any one ever think that college isn’t always the answer? At least not for every child, I don’t know, I don’t feel like I fit in there or as if the college life has ever been the life for me. But regardless, one of the other reasons why I started attending college was because I felt a bit threatened, insufficient, or inadequate to my at the time to my former girlfriend who was soon to be graduating with a bachelors at the cusp of starting her career while I was just starting college? working some shitty job, leaving me with the thought, that I’m somehow imposing on her to be the breadwinner? That I couldn’t pull my own weight. I don’t know, I suppose that’s just my typical male rationale, caring about my pride as to how it would look to others to see a woman making more than her husband. But to be honest, in my heart, that didn’t and still doesn’t matter to me. I don’t mind that. I believe in equality. I would be, and am proud of that, to have had a woman who made more than me and was successful and I could only hope that any man that had a woman like that would be proud and wish to have one at his side. But I still couldn’t help but feel inadequate in a sense as like maybe I am not contributing enough, so maybe it’s just my insecurity. But maybe it was also her parents, specifically her mother. I couldn’t help but feel judged, and had some odd feeling like she didn’t like the feeling of her daughter being potentially whisked away to some loser with no college credentials that couldn’t bring home the bacon. I mean, her mother was very old fashioned and it often felt like that way to me. I’m sure she’s more than thrilled that we’re no longer together. Sigh. But then again this could all lead back to caring what other’s thought about me. But as of this past year, with all of the shit that has happened and lead me to this point in time, that after being insecure and caring for so long about what others thought about me, whether they did or not or if I was just being paranoid and stuck in my head,  I no longer care about people’s opinions and what they may think of me. As previously I couldn’t help but feel so paralyzed with the fear of what other’s thought. But all of this has me thinking, is there anything in this for me that I am continuing this seemingly never-ending college stint? and the answer I think that any stranger, parent, friend, or individual would give is: yes! a degree you fool! Well, of course, way to state the obvious, as if I already didn’t know that. But what good is a degree to me if I still don’t even know this far in to my college career what I am going to major in? This whole time I’ve figured I would major in something generic like business or communication just so I have a bachelors as you could essentially get a job almost anywhere as long as you have some sort of bachelors degree. Because nowadays these pieces of paper with a stamp with an accredited school have been given weight and meaning that “you must know stuff.” So this piece of paper proves that and we will give you a career. What ever happened to hard work, and knowing stuff from experience. I mean just because you have a degree doesn’t always necessarily mean the individual who possesses has the knowledge or knows what’s required to do their job. Experience will always trump knowledge because if you don’t know how to apply that knowledge into real world situations which requires experience then that knowledge will do you jack-diddly squat. Maybe I have become apathetic and see no point anymore in continuing, as I have considered dropping out multiple times, but never as much have I thought about it until this most recent semester, regardless of being self-aware of the fact how self-destructive and stupid of a decision it would be given how much time I’ve put in and how somewhat close I am to obtaining a degree. But the truth is I’ve just always felt that school isn’t for me and figured that maybe I would’ve found my niche in the world by now or have decided on what I want to do due to the fact of attending college but I haven’t. If anything, these past couple of years have just further affirmed my personal ideology that I wish to work for no one and want to work for myself. Be my own boss, work on my own hours and run/have a successful business. What that business is, I don’t know, but what I do know is that this punch-a-clock, 9-5, Monday through Friday, working for the man while building someone else’s dream and business has never been my thing. I want employees under me, working for me, building my dream, building my business and I pray to fucking God, Buddha, Allah, Aliens, whoever reveals them self first to me that I figure this shit out real soon. I just don’t think I’ve gained any more knowledge than from when I started. I still feel stupid and I can not help but to constantly recall the lyrics of Kanye West’s song “Good Morning,” with the line saying, “Some people graduate, but we still stupid.I don’t know why, but these lyrics have always resonated in my head when I think of college. And as much as all of this pains me to do, and all I feel is this feeling of self-loathing and self-deprecating hatred towards myself for letting and allowing myself to get to this low point. All I know is, I feel like I’m currently on a downward spiral, and maybe I should just listen to Nine Inch Nails’ A Downward Spiral album on repeat. This post has become much larger than I imagined, but maybe this was good in a way because it has allowed me to vent to get so much weight off of my mind by letting this all out, the only way I know how; through writing since having no one to tell or talk to.