I feel like crying. We’re at the 6 month mark of 2017. Where in the fuck has this year gone? Absolutely nowhere. Time is now flying by at breakneck speed and I want it to stop. I am scared. Scared for my life. Scared for my future. But seriously, if this isn’t future shock, then I don’t know what is.
Life has lately felt much like the song, ‘your drums you love’ by Alunageorge. Because it feels like I’ve been treading water just to get back someone’s love or to where I was and whether or not I sink or swim, it’s always you I’m thinking of. But maybe I’m just having one of those emotional, vulnerable moments because feelings always get in the way. But life just hasn’t been the same without you in it. All I want to do is tell you how much I miss you. But I can’t, I won’t, there’s no point as it won’t change a thing. It will just seem sad, pathetic, and desperate. This is just another one of those moments where the pen is not mightier than the sword. Where you don’t pass go and don’t collect 200 dollars. But, I miss it all. Your voice, your laugh, your touch, your warmth, our banter, our chemistry, our synchronicity, our rapport, our sameness, our symmetry. But most importantly you.I was the happiest when I was with you but I’ve probably lost you forever and there is no getting back to you.
This is a month and a half old draft that I guess I am now publishing?
Being alone is hard. It’s also hard work. Especially in a world that was designed for two. Wether it’s a lover, or a best friend. But alas, I have neither and you cannot grocery shop for one person. Do you know how hard that is? I always end up with more food than I can eat myself that always ends up going bad before I even get a chance to finish it. There are no single serving portions or meals. This is what has me believing that life is designed for two. Going out to eat is another story. No parties of one, because one is not a party. Life is meant to be enjoyed in twos. It’s meant for couples. You cannot even go out to eat by yourself. Want an appetizer? Good luck on enjoying your dinner if you’re eating alone. Appetizers are meant for more than person and my problem is I always want an appetizer but I can’t get one because I can’t justify spending $8 for one person let alone the fact that it will pretty much ruin my dinner as I will be full before it even arrives. Ask yourself this, how often do you go to a restaurant and see someone eating alone? I want that person to fill my appetizer eating gap. In addition, there’s things like groupon which is meant for groups of people, specifically couples. There’s another nugget of fact proving that life isn’t single serving. I mean, where’s the singpon for single loners such as myself?
I went out tonight with my cousin and her friends and it just made me hate the whole dating and single scene even more. Courting is or has become a strange thing. Or at least the whole club and single scene is. People stalking their prey on the dance floor, waiting to make their next move. Salivating like the horny mammals we are, hoping to dance, grind, and sweat on the next piece of meat that tickles our fancy. But regardless, it’s not that I am or in the process of courting or anything, it’s just a weird thing in general it seems now. The going back and forth. I would easily give up it all up, any time of the day for something stable. Where we could both be content doing whatever which is where I previously was. I don’t want to play this dating game, I don’t want to start over again with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you, but it seems I can’t have you. You still occupy that corner of my mind and I miss you, but do you miss me? Wait, don’t answer that question, I’m far too scared to know the truth. You probably won’t admit it or am too afraid to say so or maybe your new best friend has made you forget all about me or put ideas in your head and words in your ear having you think you are better off. Conspiracy theory 101 is in session and I’m taking students, or maybe this is just a lesson in pessimism. I swear I’m never like this.
Social lives are hard.
It’s often hard to find the right words to convey or express things and can leave a stale taste in one’s mouth if misinterpreted or misunderstood which is why it’s often important to say what you mean the first time around.
I had another draft from last week that I had been working but never posted it. Maybe I will eventually, tonight’s theme, self-loathing and fear in Vegas. Instagram hates me and my guts, facebook as well. I loathe the times whenever I load up either apps on my phone because I know what both of these algorithmic scumbag apps are going to show me. Posts and pictures of and from my ex-girlfriend. I hate the word ex though. It’s such an ugly word because I don’t want to consider her an ex. Maybe I’m just hopefully hopeless and the post-consumed drinks in my stomach like to make me feel lesser than but these fucking apps hate my guts because every time I open them, literally at the top of my feed, the first thing I fucking see is a selfie of my ex. Way to punch me in the fucking gut, instagram. Seriously fuck you Instagram, Fuck you Mark Zuckerfuck. The last thing I want to see is my ex to remind me of how much I miss her. Fuck, there’s that word again. Ex. Ex, example, exaggerate, exacerbate. But I think I’m just at the point I’ve had too much to drink and I shouldn’t be blogging my thoughts out loud because a drunken mind tends to spin webs of truth that we often get tangled up in. So it’s just another day I have to go on living, like everything is fine, like I’m alright, like I don’t hate myself like I have been this past semester as school and keep this silly, little stupid, facade and smile on my face. First drafts are always the worst kind of draft because there are often so many errors, revisions and things expressed which at the time of writing are non-sensical due to the nature that you’re just trying to get your ideas and thoughts out as first as you can before forgetting them. Things will be said that you didn’t really mean and wonder why you wrote it in the first place.
There’s so much I’ve wanted to write, so much I’ve wanted get off my chest and address, but there’s only so much time in the day that I can devote to this and it’s clearly not enough especially as of lately and even currently I shouldn’t be writing this as I should be spending my time elsewhere. But as of lately, I don’t think I’ve ever disappointed myself as much as I have in my life until this past Spring semester at school. For the first time and semester since I started nearly two plus years ago, I have been forced to withdrawal from a course and am also on track to failing a course. Never have I done this badly during my college career. I have constantly been a 3.5 – 4.0 GPA student and for some reason this semester I have been knocked back, knocked loose from my roots and as I have been feeling uprooted and no longer grounded. I just feel like I have lost all will or motivation and I need to get it back but I don’t know how. I don’t think a semester break would do me any good. I feel if I took off for a semester it would not only be waste, but a bad idea because it would be counter-productive as I would be a semester behind from finishing as well as I may not return back from that break putting an end to my college career. So that wouldn’t help as all I want to do is just hurry up, finish, and get this all over with and never look back and say, “Hey! I’m done, I graduated, I got my shiny fucking special piece of paper, now give me a stable and steady career.” But the fact is, that won’t happen, and I don’t know why I’m still attending. I mean, I want to, I want to see this through, to the end and finish what I started because this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Not being able to finish what I start. But I can’t help but feel that some of the reasons I am still attending is because I was somehow pushed into this whole idea of entering college because I was tired of having my father and family on my back about going back to school so this was to get them off my case and appease him/them? Which is somewhat typical to most kids as parents love to try to tell their kids how to live their lives. Yes, I know parents care, and want what’s best for their children, but did any one ever think that college isn’t always the answer? At least not for every child, I don’t know, I don’t feel like I fit in there or as if the college life has ever been the life for me. But regardless, one of the other reasons why I started attending college was because I felt a bit threatened, insufficient, or inadequate to my at the time to my former girlfriend who was soon to be graduating with a bachelors at the cusp of starting her career while I was just starting college? working some shitty job, leaving me with the thought, that I’m somehow imposing on her to be the breadwinner? That I couldn’t pull my own weight. I don’t know, I suppose that’s just my typical male rationale, caring about my pride as to how it would look to others to see a woman making more than her husband. But to be honest, in my heart, that didn’t and still doesn’t matter to me. I don’t mind that. I believe in equality. I would be, and am proud of that, to have had a woman who made more than me and was successful and I could only hope that any man that had a woman like that would be proud and wish to have one at his side. But I still couldn’t help but feel inadequate in a sense as like maybe I am not contributing enough, so maybe it’s just my insecurity. But maybe it was also her parents, specifically her mother. I couldn’t help but feel judged, and had some odd feeling like she didn’t like the feeling of her daughter being potentially whisked away to some loser with no college credentials that couldn’t bring home the bacon. I mean, her mother was very old fashioned and it often felt like that way to me. I’m sure she’s more than thrilled that we’re no longer together. Sigh. But then again this could all lead back to caring what other’s thought about me. But as of this past year, with all of the shit that has happened and lead me to this point in time, that after being insecure and caring for so long about what others thought about me, whether they did or not or if I was just being paranoid and stuck in my head, I no longer care about people’s opinions and what they may think of me. As previously I couldn’t help but feel so paralyzed with the fear of what other’s thought. But all of this has me thinking, is there anything in this for me that I am continuing this seemingly never-ending college stint? and the answer I think that any stranger, parent, friend, or individual would give is: yes! a degree you fool! Well, of course, way to state the obvious, as if I already didn’t know that. But what good is a degree to me if I still don’t even know this far in to my college career what I am going to major in? This whole time I’ve figured I would major in something generic like business or communication just so I have a bachelors as you could essentially get a job almost anywhere as long as you have some sort of bachelors degree. Because nowadays these pieces of paper with a stamp with an accredited school have been given weight and meaning that “you must know stuff.” So this piece of paper proves that and we will give you a career. What ever happened to hard work, and knowing stuff from experience. I mean just because you have a degree doesn’t always necessarily mean the individual who possesses has the knowledge or knows what’s required to do their job. Experience will always trump knowledge because if you don’t know how to apply that knowledge into real world situations which requires experience then that knowledge will do you jack-diddly squat. Maybe I have become apathetic and see no point anymore in continuing, as I have considered dropping out multiple times, but never as much have I thought about it until this most recent semester, regardless of being self-aware of the fact how self-destructive and stupid of a decision it would be given how much time I’ve put in and how somewhat close I am to obtaining a degree. But the truth is I’ve just always felt that school isn’t for me and figured that maybe I would’ve found my niche in the world by now or have decided on what I want to do due to the fact of attending college but I haven’t. If anything, these past couple of years have just further affirmed my personal ideology that I wish to work for no one and want to work for myself. Be my own boss, work on my own hours and run/have a successful business. What that business is, I don’t know, but what I do know is that this punch-a-clock, 9-5, Monday through Friday, working for the man while building someone else’s dream and business has never been my thing. I want employees under me, working for me, building my dream, building my business and I pray to fucking God, Buddha, Allah, Aliens, whoever reveals them self first to me that I figure this shit out real soon. I just don’t think I’ve gained any more knowledge than from when I started. I still feel stupid and I can not help but to constantly recall the lyrics of Kanye West’s song “Good Morning,” with the line saying, “Some people graduate, but we still stupid.” I don’t know why, but these lyrics have always resonated in my head when I think of college. And as much as all of this pains me to do, and all I feel is this feeling of self-loathing and self-deprecating hatred towards myself for letting and allowing myself to get to this low point. All I know is, I feel like I’m currently on a downward spiral, and maybe I should just listen to Nine Inch Nails’ A Downward Spiral album on repeat. This post has become much larger than I imagined, but maybe this was good in a way because it has allowed me to vent to get so much weight off of my mind by letting this all out, the only way I know how; through writing since having no one to tell or talk to.
I was just browsing through my facebook feed and saw that one the little sister of one of my friends was just engaged and is getting married. I now officially feel too old. Why? because she is young, in fact, too young in my opinion to be getting married. Here I am at the ripe age of 27 while people I went to school with and what seems almost everyone around me is either married, getting married, or having kids, it only leaves me to question myself. What am I doing with myself? My life? I had the opportunity to join the ranks of the many, the married, but I guess I screwed up. I missed my shot as I guess I waited to long to put a ring on it? Or in the paraphrased words of Kanye, “To lock that love down” I don’t know, I’m just left with five lost years of my life that I will never get back. No big deal. I sound bitter. Maybe because I slightly am. But that’s another story for another time. But regardless of how long I took to pop a silly question, what the fuck does that matter? When you love someone and you know you want to be with them, “titles” or materialistic things such as that shouldn’t matter. All that should matter is the fact that you’re with them and that you’re committed to them.